Moving on: Reality and heartache

Moving on. One of the hardest things to do. Rather it's moving on to a
different city, new job, new house, or new relationship, letting go of
something is challenging. For this blogs purpose, (obviously) I'll be
focusing on relationships.
After a few talks with myself and my sisters, a few midnights to clear
my mind, some car rides and slow music, and varies random text
conversations with Mr.J, I have come to the realistic yet slightly
heartbreaking conclusion that I need to move along from that situation.
Decision was reached today, well yesterday technically. I decided to
tell him that our friendship was cool, but I (reluctantly) caught
feelings and did not want that to interfere with our friendship, in
which I felt was the case. I went on to say that perhaps I needed time
to myself to figure it all out and that I was confused. His response:
"Confused? Umm ok. Did y'all BBQ today because I didn't get a plate
(sad face)". Woooow is what I thought to myself. DEFINITELY not the
response I was looking for. So I gave him another chance to respond
appropriately. I replied, "I just text u my feelings and you ask about
BBQ?". He responds, "It's cool if you want time to yourself, we will
still be friends (smiley face)". And that's when the brutal reality
hit me.....time to move on. Somewhere between the BBQ question and
the smiley face, I realized that this situation was not cool. I'll
admit, I shed a few tears. I mean, that wasn't the response I was
looking for in the least bit. I secretly, no not secretly, I WANTED
the response to be in my favor. I wanted my extension of feelings to
be returned the same way it was given. I wanted the way I felt to be
reciprocated. But instead, I was left hanging and slightly
heartbroken. The build up to putting yourself on the line and being
left hanging, is like working on a paper for months and getting an F.
It sucks. And that feeling of heartbreak, rather big or small, sucks
even more. The feeling of "giving a fuck", but not being "given a
fuck". Yeah that feeling. It sucks. Kinda like a sucker punch to the
gut. Definitely a blow to ones ego or lack there of. Causes questions
to form like, "why don't you feel the same?", "why don't you care like
me?", "am I not good enough?". Yeah that heartbreak can be a powerful
son of a bitch. Makes you want to cry randomly and lay in bed. Makes
you feel like your sick and coming down with the flu. Makes you not
only sad, but bitter, pissed, hopeless, and confused.
And yes, I am feeling some heartbreak. However, I refuse to be in this
mind state for too long. Folks say the first step to recovery is
admitting and recognizing, and I have admitted that yes I am
heartbroken, but I recognize I need to move on. I am worth more than
the lack of "give a fuck" I received and worth more than questioning
myself.
Yeah Im going to go thru the steps of moving on...you know, being sad,
then over it, then sad, then mad, then sad, then bitter, than over it,
then alitle sad, then not so sad, than ok, then good, then great. And
as long as I know that "great" is at the end of the tunnel, then I can
see the light...

Packing and getting back on the train...despite the curves, the
mountains, the bad weather, the change of tracks, the stops, the
bumps...I'm moving on and ready for my next stop....

Where I Stand

Somewhere between here and there, between coming and going, between oh
so close yet oh so far.......that's where I stand...

Between happy and sad, angry and glad, excited and scared.....that's
where I stand...

Between hopeless and hopeful, heartfelt and heartless, friends and
enemies....that's where I stand...

Between the known and unknown, Between the future and the past,
between nightmares and dreams...that's where I stand...

Between loving and hating, forgiveness and unforgiving, restlessness
and peace...that's where I stand...

In the middle.

mine, Mine, MINE!!

And so tonight I remember why I don't want to like Mr.J......
I've never been too good with sharing. I like stuff to be mine if it's
mine and yours if it's yours. I like a good solid knowledge that it
belongs to me and me alone.
That's basically how I feel about my men too. I want a man to be mine
and mine only. He knows it, I know it, and that's just that. That
would also come along with him acting accordingly. Perhaps it was the
overly delayed response to my text to Mr.J tonight. Or the fact that 3
went unanswered. Yeah, that might be when the realization that he owes
me NOTHING kicked in. No matter how much time we spend together, how
many times he calls me bae, how many texts he sends to see how my day
is....the truth is he is not my man and owes me nothing. He is merely
my coworker who I'm cool with and we do our thing. He is my crush who
happens to display a few actions that he MAY have some kind of
feelings too, but that is it. The reality is, he could just be a nice
person who tends to flirt. The reality is him and I are "going thru
the motions". The reality is he is not my man. The reality is he is
not mine.
At this moment, he is fair game. He is mine. He is hers. He can be
hers. He is basically a free agent. He owes me nothing. He doesn't owe
me a call...he doesn't owe me a text. He doesn't even have to reply if
he doesn't want to. Nothing. And that reality sucks.
The reality that as long as I continue to mess with him on this level
and this level only, I am willingly allowing myself to share. Share a
man. Something I don't want to do.
And so the question is, is this what I have come to? I mean, am I
willing to go against my wills and will nots, my dos and do nots, my
likes and dislikes just to chill with this man for a few hrs per day
about 2 days a week?? I mean really now....something has to give. This
feeling is not cool. I really need to look into letting this go,
because nights like this make me realize that I'm compromising too
much and going against all my likes and dislikes. And in turn I'm
puttiing my feelings in jeopardy. Definitely not worth it... Yet so
hard to let go....

Meee and mister....mister J.....

Mr. J........ Folks say don't mix business with pleasure, but I
couldn't help it. Mr.J is my coworker. Sexy, tall, athletic, can cook,
great convo, nice smile, and great sex. (just keeping it real). During
my first 8hr shift with Mr.J, I knew we would end up touching on each
other. And by that night, we were. That was June 2009, and he's still
in the picture.
When we first started messing around, it was all fun and games. It was
never the plan to like him or develop any real feelings. I mean, Mr.J
had an ex girlfriend who was in the picture and a crazy baby's momma.
Plus, he wasn't in a serious relationship stage of his life. He was
basically someone I could call up when I was in the mood.
But that started to change. Mr.J and I were also friends. Good
friends. And as time went on, we got a little bit closer. We went from
me coming over, us doing our thing, and me leaving...to me coming
over, us doing our thing, and me spending the night. No big deal right
away. Then from me coming over, us doing our thing, me spending the
night.....to me coming over, us just chilling (which involves him
cooking), and me spending the night. No sex. Basically many nights of
genuine quality time. That's when stuff started to change up alittle.
That's when feelings first got involved. I tried to downplay them at
first, but I have realized that I just can't. I think I actually like
him. And no I don't want to. I mean, it's just too many factors that
wouldn't allow for it. But I can't help but take everything to heart.
I mean, all of our conversations and our time together. How he cooks
everytime I come over and how he likes to feed me off his fork. How he
calls me "bae" in his texts. How he sat me in between his legs while
we watched a movie so he could rub my back. How he rolled over in the
middle of the night to put his arm around me. How he texts me
faithfully everyday to say hi or see how my day is. Or how he shoots a
text on test days saying goodluck. How he remembers when I have an
event rather a ceremony or a funeral. How he's available at 2am when
I'm upset or need somewhere to chill. How he looks at me, how he
smiles at me, how he touches me.....and it's so much more than the
mentioned. But I also can't help but think about his ex (who he dated
for years) that's in the picture. Or how I felt when I was at his
house and she came over. Or how I feel when he's not available or not
at his house for the night. Crazy thing is, as I write this, I realize my list of bads is shorter than my list of goods. Maybe I'm fearful that he just doesn't feel how I feel and all those goods are just simply me reading into things too deep. As a matter of fact, that's it. That fear is what's holding me back and it's what's building a wall. Fear of being rejected by this man that I can't help but think about everyday at every random moment. Fear of not knowing how he really feels about me. Such a crazy feeling.............such a weird and confusing feeling. But for now, I'm just gonna stay chill. Keep enjoying our time, keep enjoying the little things he does, and basically keep enjoying my crush...lol :)

A look in the rearview mirror

Half way to 30 and I have never been in a real, committed, and serious
relationship. I can't help but think, how sad is that? I often wonder
why I was never the girl guys wanted to commit to. Why was I the girl
that guys either wanted to have sex with or have as a side chick? And
yeah I'm sure I didn't make the situation better. Often times I found
myself thinking "sex ='s love" and enabling the whole "using" process.
But why? And even when I had "relationships", why were they so shitty?
I mean, how did I end up with the crappy relationship and not the
pleasant one? Was I only worth arguing, being cheated on, being lied
to, and being disrespected? I mean, I know I'm not....well I think I
know I'm not, but why can't I experience the respectful, caring,
compassionate man? Most folks would reply "take a look at yourself".
Well I've done that...& I'm very aware of my flaws and have even
tweeked a few, but everyone has flaws....what makes her flaws better
than mine? Maybe I'm too demanding. But I don't feel I need to
settle.....hell I did that already and it didn't get me anywhere.....I
guess somethings will never be answered or known. All I can do is look
forward and stop staring in the rearview mirror...
Sent from my iPhone

So who am I? Well let me tell u what I know...

...so this will be my intro blog I guess. Some basic info on me and
this blog. For this blogs purpose, my name is Redbone. I am a college
educated, employed, child less, beautiful, fun spirited, caring,
passionate, sexy, black female.....and I'm single. This blog is
basically going to document the many obstacles, highs and lows, bad
feelings and good feelings, and everything else in between that a
person may experience when involved with another being. This will be a
raw, uncut, uncensored, journey that many women experience and go
through while being single and ready to mingle. This will also be my
therapy...
So with that being said, I guess the journey begins....
Sent from my iPhone