Meee and mister....mister J.....

Mr. J........ Folks say don't mix business with pleasure, but I
couldn't help it. Mr.J is my coworker. Sexy, tall, athletic, can cook,
great convo, nice smile, and great sex. (just keeping it real). During
my first 8hr shift with Mr.J, I knew we would end up touching on each
other. And by that night, we were. That was June 2009, and he's still
in the picture.
When we first started messing around, it was all fun and games. It was
never the plan to like him or develop any real feelings. I mean, Mr.J
had an ex girlfriend who was in the picture and a crazy baby's momma.
Plus, he wasn't in a serious relationship stage of his life. He was
basically someone I could call up when I was in the mood.
But that started to change. Mr.J and I were also friends. Good
friends. And as time went on, we got a little bit closer. We went from
me coming over, us doing our thing, and me leaving...to me coming
over, us doing our thing, and me spending the night. No big deal right
away. Then from me coming over, us doing our thing, me spending the
night.....to me coming over, us just chilling (which involves him
cooking), and me spending the night. No sex. Basically many nights of
genuine quality time. That's when stuff started to change up alittle.
That's when feelings first got involved. I tried to downplay them at
first, but I have realized that I just can't. I think I actually like
him. And no I don't want to. I mean, it's just too many factors that
wouldn't allow for it. But I can't help but take everything to heart.
I mean, all of our conversations and our time together. How he cooks
everytime I come over and how he likes to feed me off his fork. How he
calls me "bae" in his texts. How he sat me in between his legs while
we watched a movie so he could rub my back. How he rolled over in the
middle of the night to put his arm around me. How he texts me
faithfully everyday to say hi or see how my day is. Or how he shoots a
text on test days saying goodluck. How he remembers when I have an
event rather a ceremony or a funeral. How he's available at 2am when
I'm upset or need somewhere to chill. How he looks at me, how he
smiles at me, how he touches me.....and it's so much more than the
mentioned. But I also can't help but think about his ex (who he dated
for years) that's in the picture. Or how I felt when I was at his
house and she came over. Or how I feel when he's not available or not
at his house for the night. Crazy thing is, as I write this, I realize my list of bads is shorter than my list of goods. Maybe I'm fearful that he just doesn't feel how I feel and all those goods are just simply me reading into things too deep. As a matter of fact, that's it. That fear is what's holding me back and it's what's building a wall. Fear of being rejected by this man that I can't help but think about everyday at every random moment. Fear of not knowing how he really feels about me. Such a crazy feeling.............such a weird and confusing feeling. But for now, I'm just gonna stay chill. Keep enjoying our time, keep enjoying the little things he does, and basically keep enjoying my crush...lol :)