mine, Mine, MINE!!

And so tonight I remember why I don't want to like Mr.J......
I've never been too good with sharing. I like stuff to be mine if it's
mine and yours if it's yours. I like a good solid knowledge that it
belongs to me and me alone.
That's basically how I feel about my men too. I want a man to be mine
and mine only. He knows it, I know it, and that's just that. That
would also come along with him acting accordingly. Perhaps it was the
overly delayed response to my text to Mr.J tonight. Or the fact that 3
went unanswered. Yeah, that might be when the realization that he owes
me NOTHING kicked in. No matter how much time we spend together, how
many times he calls me bae, how many texts he sends to see how my day
is....the truth is he is not my man and owes me nothing. He is merely
my coworker who I'm cool with and we do our thing. He is my crush who
happens to display a few actions that he MAY have some kind of
feelings too, but that is it. The reality is, he could just be a nice
person who tends to flirt. The reality is him and I are "going thru
the motions". The reality is he is not my man. The reality is he is
not mine.
At this moment, he is fair game. He is mine. He is hers. He can be
hers. He is basically a free agent. He owes me nothing. He doesn't owe
me a call...he doesn't owe me a text. He doesn't even have to reply if
he doesn't want to. Nothing. And that reality sucks.
The reality that as long as I continue to mess with him on this level
and this level only, I am willingly allowing myself to share. Share a
man. Something I don't want to do.
And so the question is, is this what I have come to? I mean, am I
willing to go against my wills and will nots, my dos and do nots, my
likes and dislikes just to chill with this man for a few hrs per day
about 2 days a week?? I mean really now....something has to give. This
feeling is not cool. I really need to look into letting this go,
because nights like this make me realize that I'm compromising too
much and going against all my likes and dislikes. And in turn I'm
puttiing my feelings in jeopardy. Definitely not worth it... Yet so
hard to let go....

Meee and mister....mister J.....

Mr. J........ Folks say don't mix business with pleasure, but I
couldn't help it. Mr.J is my coworker. Sexy, tall, athletic, can cook,
great convo, nice smile, and great sex. (just keeping it real). During
my first 8hr shift with Mr.J, I knew we would end up touching on each
other. And by that night, we were. That was June 2009, and he's still
in the picture.
When we first started messing around, it was all fun and games. It was
never the plan to like him or develop any real feelings. I mean, Mr.J
had an ex girlfriend who was in the picture and a crazy baby's momma.
Plus, he wasn't in a serious relationship stage of his life. He was
basically someone I could call up when I was in the mood.
But that started to change. Mr.J and I were also friends. Good
friends. And as time went on, we got a little bit closer. We went from
me coming over, us doing our thing, and me leaving...to me coming
over, us doing our thing, and me spending the night. No big deal right
away. Then from me coming over, us doing our thing, me spending the
night.....to me coming over, us just chilling (which involves him
cooking), and me spending the night. No sex. Basically many nights of
genuine quality time. That's when stuff started to change up alittle.
That's when feelings first got involved. I tried to downplay them at
first, but I have realized that I just can't. I think I actually like
him. And no I don't want to. I mean, it's just too many factors that
wouldn't allow for it. But I can't help but take everything to heart.
I mean, all of our conversations and our time together. How he cooks
everytime I come over and how he likes to feed me off his fork. How he
calls me "bae" in his texts. How he sat me in between his legs while
we watched a movie so he could rub my back. How he rolled over in the
middle of the night to put his arm around me. How he texts me
faithfully everyday to say hi or see how my day is. Or how he shoots a
text on test days saying goodluck. How he remembers when I have an
event rather a ceremony or a funeral. How he's available at 2am when
I'm upset or need somewhere to chill. How he looks at me, how he
smiles at me, how he touches me.....and it's so much more than the
mentioned. But I also can't help but think about his ex (who he dated
for years) that's in the picture. Or how I felt when I was at his
house and she came over. Or how I feel when he's not available or not
at his house for the night. Crazy thing is, as I write this, I realize my list of bads is shorter than my list of goods. Maybe I'm fearful that he just doesn't feel how I feel and all those goods are just simply me reading into things too deep. As a matter of fact, that's it. That fear is what's holding me back and it's what's building a wall. Fear of being rejected by this man that I can't help but think about everyday at every random moment. Fear of not knowing how he really feels about me. Such a crazy feeling.............such a weird and confusing feeling. But for now, I'm just gonna stay chill. Keep enjoying our time, keep enjoying the little things he does, and basically keep enjoying my crush...lol :)

A look in the rearview mirror

Half way to 30 and I have never been in a real, committed, and serious
relationship. I can't help but think, how sad is that? I often wonder
why I was never the girl guys wanted to commit to. Why was I the girl
that guys either wanted to have sex with or have as a side chick? And
yeah I'm sure I didn't make the situation better. Often times I found
myself thinking "sex ='s love" and enabling the whole "using" process.
But why? And even when I had "relationships", why were they so shitty?
I mean, how did I end up with the crappy relationship and not the
pleasant one? Was I only worth arguing, being cheated on, being lied
to, and being disrespected? I mean, I know I'm not....well I think I
know I'm not, but why can't I experience the respectful, caring,
compassionate man? Most folks would reply "take a look at yourself".
Well I've done that...& I'm very aware of my flaws and have even
tweeked a few, but everyone has flaws....what makes her flaws better
than mine? Maybe I'm too demanding. But I don't feel I need to
settle.....hell I did that already and it didn't get me anywhere.....I
guess somethings will never be answered or known. All I can do is look
forward and stop staring in the rearview mirror...
Sent from my iPhone

So who am I? Well let me tell u what I know...

...so this will be my intro blog I guess. Some basic info on me and
this blog. For this blogs purpose, my name is Redbone. I am a college
educated, employed, child less, beautiful, fun spirited, caring,
passionate, sexy, black female.....and I'm single. This blog is
basically going to document the many obstacles, highs and lows, bad
feelings and good feelings, and everything else in between that a
person may experience when involved with another being. This will be a
raw, uncut, uncensored, journey that many women experience and go
through while being single and ready to mingle. This will also be my
therapy...
So with that being said, I guess the journey begins....
Sent from my iPhone