mine, Mine, MINE!!

And so tonight I remember why I don't want to like Mr.J......
I've never been too good with sharing. I like stuff to be mine if it's
mine and yours if it's yours. I like a good solid knowledge that it
belongs to me and me alone.
That's basically how I feel about my men too. I want a man to be mine
and mine only. He knows it, I know it, and that's just that. That
would also come along with him acting accordingly. Perhaps it was the
overly delayed response to my text to Mr.J tonight. Or the fact that 3
went unanswered. Yeah, that might be when the realization that he owes
me NOTHING kicked in. No matter how much time we spend together, how
many times he calls me bae, how many texts he sends to see how my day
is....the truth is he is not my man and owes me nothing. He is merely
my coworker who I'm cool with and we do our thing. He is my crush who
happens to display a few actions that he MAY have some kind of
feelings too, but that is it. The reality is, he could just be a nice
person who tends to flirt. The reality is him and I are "going thru
the motions". The reality is he is not my man. The reality is he is
not mine.
At this moment, he is fair game. He is mine. He is hers. He can be
hers. He is basically a free agent. He owes me nothing. He doesn't owe
me a call...he doesn't owe me a text. He doesn't even have to reply if
he doesn't want to. Nothing. And that reality sucks.
The reality that as long as I continue to mess with him on this level
and this level only, I am willingly allowing myself to share. Share a
man. Something I don't want to do.
And so the question is, is this what I have come to? I mean, am I
willing to go against my wills and will nots, my dos and do nots, my
likes and dislikes just to chill with this man for a few hrs per day
about 2 days a week?? I mean really now....something has to give. This
feeling is not cool. I really need to look into letting this go,
because nights like this make me realize that I'm compromising too
much and going against all my likes and dislikes. And in turn I'm
puttiing my feelings in jeopardy. Definitely not worth it... Yet so
hard to let go....